When my friend Renée Ambarees turned 42, she looked in the mirror and didn't believe what she saw. So she took a picture, because she thought her eyes might be playing tricks on her. They weren't. It was written all over her face.
She had been the good girl. She did the work, she was committed and disciplined, and she believed that if she worked hard enough and was nice enough, everything must be fine. Her face was telling a different story, and it had been telling it for a while.
If you've ever asked yourself why do I look stressed when I feel completely fine, this is for you.
Why you look stressed when you feel fine
You can be an overachiever, prepared and saying all the right words, and your face can still be telling another story. You feel calm inside. Then somebody asks if you're okay, because you look stressed, and you're blindsided, because you had no idea what you were showing to the outer world.
Renée explained it on Receptive Radio™ this week. The question is whether you're coming from your home, from your inner knowing, from your presence, or whether you're running on autopilot, on the program you were trained into. Running on autopilot costs energy, and the face is where it shows.
Overachievers are very good at running on autopilot. It's part of how we built our success. I wrote last week about why high achievers self-sabotage with the habits that keep them going, and this is the same pattern showing up somewhere you can see it.
The evidence is on your face
People feel it before you say a word. Leadership influence is created through what leaders model, and that includes your face. If you're showing stress and worry all over your face, that is how your team interprets you, whatever you're saying out loud. That's what executive presence really comes down to.
Renée said something that stopped me. If someone has ever told you that you look grumpy, or that you have RBF (resting bitch face), and you thought, what do you want from me? That's the moment when you can become defensive, because you're not realizing how people are perceiving you. You might not be looking in the mirror enough.
People read me too. I've been told I'm intimidating, or that I'm so put together. And what I've come to see is that sometimes what people are responding to is their own power, the potential in them, showing up through my presence and power. Your face is carrying something into every room, whether you know what it is or not.
"Your face isn't the problem. It's the messenger."
Renée Ambarees
The face isn't something to fix. It's information. When you notice what it's showing, you can get curious about what you've been carrying, instead of covering it up.
If you want to go deeper, Renée teaches this in Face Language Mastery™. It's learning your own language, and what you're communicating without knowing that you communicate.
What three months in the mirror showed me
I met Renée when we were both speaking at Crystal Lynn Bell's Liberated Coach Summit, and since July I've been doing her 4 Magic Moves every morning. I do them when I put my face cream on, before my makeup, because my face is easier to work with when it's smooth. It's about ten minutes, and now I have it down faster than that.
My eyelids are lifted. But the facial appearance isn't the dramatic part. What's dramatic is what I've noticed. Over these three months the practice brought me through emotional releases connected to a coping habit that hadn't been good for me, and it helped me stop it, without some big drastic change.
Practice is my thing. I come from horse racing and an athletic background, and doing something regularly is how you get results. Noticing is power, and awareness is choice. When you look yourself in the eyes every morning, you start noticing things you've been walking right past.
Presence is a physical thing
What I've learned about presence is that it isn't a mindset. It's a physical thing.
When you're present in your body and you're talking, people can hear you and people can see you. When you're up in your head, distracted or unclear, you fumble your words and you need a script. When I come back into my body, I don't need a script, because everything I know is already inside me. That's what makes a person magnetic, and magnetic people end up in the right rooms.
I get some of my best ideas in front of the mirror, doing my hair and putting on my makeup. I'm looking at myself, but I'm actually turning in, and I'm opening up a channel of receptivity, because I'm paying attention to myself.
That's what Life Force Activation™ is for. It's a live guided group practice to help you become present, expand your imagination, and connect your heart, body, mind and energy so you fill up with life force. I've been leading it live on Zoom for over three years, and I watch the change happen. People drop into their body and start speaking from their heart instead of their head. They relax right there during the practice, and the more they practice, the less anxious they are. It's how presence stops being something you hope shows up and becomes something that is natural for you to be embodied in. It's the same thing I wrote about in How to Bring Your Vision Into Form: what you practice is what you build with.
Ready to be stress and worry-free, and aligned with your radiant presence?
You can try it for two weeks for $1, and after that it's $50 a month.
Questions about why you look stressed
Why do I look stressed when I feel fine?
You can be running on autopilot, on the way you were trained to operate, while you feel perfectly fine inside. That way of operating costs energy, and the face shows it before you notice it yourself.
What does my face say before I speak?
More than most of us realize. People read your face first and respond to it, which is why executive presence starts before you say a word. Noticing what your face is showing is the first step.
Do I have RBF (resting bitch face)?
If people keep asking whether you're angry or upset when you feel fine, your resting face is sending a message you didn't mean to send. Renée puts it this way: "Your face isn't the problem. It's the messenger." It's showing something you've been carrying.
How do I come across as more present when I lead?
Presence is physical. Come back into your body before you speak, rather than leading from your head. A daily practice is what makes that something you can count on, not something you hope happens.
Has anyone ever told you that you look stressed when you're leading? Tell me in the comments.
